Fordrari

A body that makes you smile, a unique colour, and top of the line model. That was my first vehicle, an olive green 2013 Ford Escape. This vehicle was my everything, I pushed it to its limits. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I did something. I had a job and I graduated high school, but still didn’t make enough to have a place of my own. That SUV was my home— I slept in it when times were tough, when I was tripping on shrooms, and experiencing the worst times of my life. It comforted me when no one else could. I felt powerful that I no longer had to rely on the world and people. But I learned everything comes to an end. I lost my job and lost my apartment due to my mental illness and alcoholism, but never thought I’d lose my Fordrari. That day came out of nowhere. I was months behind on payments, scared, fearful, and once again felt alone. The day it happened I drove all the way to my hometown, Woodstock, to see my brother play one of his hockey games. I received a call from my mom saying the collection agency was there at my house. I’ve never felt lower than the point I had to rip my band decals off my car. While I was doing it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I finally realized you can put your heart and soul into something to feel anything in this dreadful life, and it can disappear as suddenly as you obtain it. The drive home I had to put all my efforts into not just crashing my vehicle so I could feel something besides emptiness. I also found out the saddest part in life is seeing something you love leave. You might think I’m over-emotional about a car, but it’s what it represents; it was my home, it was my rock, and it made me feel accomplished. Something I never felt before that.

One too many

I drink to feel something; anything, that will make me ok. My friends and family say I have a problem, but you would have a problem too if you lived in my head. I drink anything, and everything to make life ok. Whiskey is always my go to. it burns and makes me feel alright. I never think about the next day when I’m drunk; not my hardships, not waking up alone. Not how I’m going to pay my bills. My favorite memories are from when I was intoxicated! The friends I’ve made, the things I’ve experienced., I’m afraid I’ll lose them if I sober up. My family ships me away to make sure I get better one day. I like it here at least a little the people make me feel not so messed up. I’m one of them! We are a family. After three weeks I start to pull myself away I have all these people just like me but I still am empty. Alone. Meaningless. I walk out not knowing where the hell I am. My family disappointed in my decision but I can’t be there I need to be better but I can’t and it is terrifying. I go almost a year without a sip but it drags me down. Back into my old habits just to be at home. I’m back and it feels great. My body deteriorating but my mind is at ease.

Today's the day

Trigger Warning 

I’m exhausted of feeling not enough for anyone. Today is the day I put an end to it. I have a plan, not too well thought out, but it will do. I say goodbye to my friends and family, holding back the tears from flooding in. They will miss me but only for a while. They will get over it, I know they will. People grow over time so why not without me? I’m a burden, good for no one. It’s my time. I try to make the taste of the pills bearable but nothing works. I still taste them when I drink a cup of coffee, that awful taste that makes me cringe. I give up on masking it. Pill after pill I swallow. Ashamed of what I’ve done I call for help. Help comes quicker than anticipated. I can’t hold it back, the tears start to come. When will I ever be good enough to end all this pain? When will I be good enough to make everyone proud? I’m not. I fail. This isn’t the first time and it traumatizes me. In my head the voices get louder as I start to drift off. I awake with loved ones around , maybe that’s what it took to feel loved.

Today is a new day

People see me as an amazing, passionate person. I wish I saw that. My thoughts dragging me down to the bottom of the pit. Everyone reassures me that I’m not as bad as I think, but I feel disgusting. Hurting so many people around me with my negativity. It hurts me to see the effect of my attitude on other people, my younger brother is turning out just like me. Distressed. Nobody should feel the way about themselves as I do. Coward, failure, worthless. That’s all I hear the voices say on repeat. I’m an obese sack of garbage, I have a face only a mother could love. So many things I despise about myself and I can’t tell you why. On the good days (which are elusive) I do notice I’m a caring, devoted, and strong person. I dream that I felt that daily but it’s an illusion. They want me to do better so I will. Today’s a new day and I will work on my thinking. Putting all the demons to sleep to wake another day. TODAY IS A NEW DAY!